Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Google Scam

I wanted to be really, really nice to Google and I pasted the below epistle in the Google search bar.


(Date : 28-09-2006)
Bangalore

Respected Google,

Sub : Requisition for search

Thank you for taking time off to go through this request. I hope this request finds you in the pink of health and care. You have been very kind on previous counts searching and returning accurate results. You have made it your hobby, I reckon. Nice.

Adverting to my request dated 24-sept-1997(You know I've been working on this new product, don't you?), I am stuck in build 34F-43fd-fdfa3 (Some more random digits and alphabets)-af343.build. I get an error during compilation which reads:

"Error! Bad Programmer. Go home. "

I couldn't figure out what this meant and have come to you for help. I request you to skim through the as many websites as possible and return useful/relevant results. Please treat this as urgent. I stand deeply indebted to you for all your help.

Awaiting your reply at the earliest.

Regards,
Swaroop

And this was what I got.

Hmmm... Google doesn't like people being nice to it. It loves imperative sentences. For example:

'You bloody fool, I order you to search for Osama Bin Laden'
returned over 200 hits!

Finding Osama was never so simple.

Google began as a research project in Stanford University in 1996, or so say Larry Page and Sergery Brin. This blog's raison 'detre is to reveal the truth and I shall do just that. Google, I think, and this is the truth(Because, whatever I think is true and you better not argue, you shmuck), started off because Larry Page and Sergery Brin had to work on a project as a part their final semester curriculum. They forwarded their resumes to three companies, namely,

1) 'Bhairavi computers' -- Computers for tomorrow

2) 'Prabhavati Software solutions' -- Solutions for the real world.

3) 'Adi Chunchungiri Bhagavad Mahaapeetha Jayachaamaraaja Laxhmi Venkateshwara Mahaasabha IT solutions' -- Tough solutions for easy problems.

They failed to secure a project. Dejected, they were. Suicide, they wanted to commit. Ropes, they had. A fan, they saw. On a stool, they stood. Then, Larry said, "Hey, how about flicking a project". Brin drew a wicked smile over his lips and off they zoomed at 2Kmph.

Back home, they skimmed through a thousand project reports. Not a single word they could understand. Finally, they decided to write a small search engine which could help them search for an easy-to-understand project. After 108 days of continuous search using their new engine, they found an easy-to-understand project titled : 'The art of printing your name using printf()'. This easy-to-understand project fetched them a Ph.D. However, people began to use their 'small search engine' to pick up 'easy projects' and 'project reports'. News about the engine spread like wild fire, and soon, Google was born (I can testify in court that the above story is true to the best of my knowledge).

Googlers are the guys I envy most. They get paid for nothing at all! Just think about it, all they have to do is Google for new ideas. After they find one, they Google for the code. Then, they Google for the test cases and testing tools. Thus, All Googlers Google for Google(If you cant understand this statement, your IQ is less than (21). In other words, less than mine).

Google is rated as the no.1 innovator for the year 2006! The pay cheques are fat and cool. A single monthly pay cheque at Google could be used by Lord Venkateshwara to clear off his huge loan with Kubera. Supposedly, Larry Page draws a salary of $1 per month! You can find more interesting stuff about Google, here.





Sunday, September 24, 2006

People/Things that piss me off

This being my first post, I reckon it is important for you to know about the things that piss me off. If you associate yourself with any of the below, I strongly believe you should try this.

Major turnoffs :




1) Dogs chasing speeding cars.

This usually happens during nights. This 'nautanki' of dogs is only on city roads. Hit the Formula 1 tracks you moronic hounds.







2) The 'shhhh...' sound that parents make while their offsprings are busy in washrooms.

Yes. You and I have gone through this.







3) Emran Hashmi.

I do not want to speak about this guy. If I were to be the director, I would've made him the villan and killed him in Take 1 - Scene 1. Go look at yourself in the mirror, you chicken. You're not even road worthy, let alone a camera.





4) The irregular/random arrangement of letters on the keyboard.

Christopher Sholes , the man behind the QWERTY keyboard.
He has a soft corner towards the letters G-H, K-L, O-P(He has put these together). I vow to unravel the conspiracy.








5) Tubelight like smile(You know, those people with really white teeth)

Yes. It gives me a complex.









6) Silent air conditioners. They dont make their presence felt. How unsocial.

Just imagine : You are feeling pretty warm inside your home. The temperature reads 25 degrees. You dont know whether your AC is switched on or not. Worse, you dont realise that you have an AC because it makes no noise. Chuck these. Atleast fans give you that 'Wooosh' sound.






7) Square-shape compact discs

I will stop using computers if any such thing is released into the market.









8) Slow moving turtles.

Turtles are really, really useless. You cant blow 'em up. You cant fire them. They can't run, they can't fly.










9) 4 lines(unnecessary) of electric wires runing over my home.

Well, what can I say? Yes, you agree with me right? One is enough. Ok. Let's try 2(A spare one). I don't get the logic behind 4 of these. And, they run some shock inducing stuff inside these wires so that no one takes away the other two. Clever.








10) The small fan that sits on my CPU which keeps the ants and spiders inside the metal-box happy.
This is unnecessary unless you want to breed ants and spiders inside your Cabinet. Elsewhere, people die due to excess heat. And here, they have fans for ants! Zamaana bigadgaya hai bhaai!










11) Bicycle thieves.
These are bad guys. I don't fancy telling you about them. They are bad.










12) Low disk space.
I have a 24 GB hard-disk. I get this message now and then. There were days when computers worked with 1 MB hard disk space. Today's computers are a pampered lot. I hate this avarice.







13) The danger sign

Scary.












14) Editor of a daily who keeps a column to himself.
Editors of dailies are the most irritating lot. They reckon they are the best writers and keep a column to themselves. And all they write is this ->












15) Silent doorbells

Doorbells of this size would be suitable for quiet homes. I don't fancy these.












16) Ringing doorbells.


Yes. I hate doorbells.












17) The letter 'Q'. It's queer, I know.

'Q' should be removed from the set of English alphabets. We can move it to, say, Hebrew.







18) F8. I haven't used that key till date(Hmmm... Twice, I think)
Still... Useless






19) Distance between the Sun and the moon

Yes. I think the distance between the Sun and the moon is a tad too much. I am happy with the distance between the earth and the Sun though.












20) Cocunuts descending at 9.8 metres/second from a cocunut tree.













21) Elephants that go Bungee jumping.















22) People who write reams of 'Things that piss me off' stuff.











23) You

Yes. ' You ' read it right, Idiot.













24) One final thing that pisses us all... The loo









Still scrolling down? ' You ' figured up there at no 23. Go away!