Thoda hot, zyaada not Thoda cold, zyaada bold

Be Productive I say

2007-04-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

The world can be a more productive place. Everyone must be made to work hard for a living. Here are some thoughts on how to get the most out of what we have.

COW :

I get irritated when I see cows. All they do is give out 10 litres of milk a day and they are done. They while away their time sitting here and there. But, I think a cow is capable of doing more than this. Cows, I believe, can think very well. Calm and composed they are. Dogs attack, crows stay perched on their back, but they give it a damn. They can stay concentrated. I hence recommend that the cow be used in scientific research. They make good scientists. Their calm nature also makes them good psychiatrists.

TIGER:

Strength, courage, valour are often associated with the tiger. But, the tiger is being under-utilized today . It cannot be allowed to just ramble in the jungle. It can be used in more useful things, like for eg., in the military. A tiger batallion would be an added force.

(To be continued...)

Tadiyandamol - Travelogue

2007-03-09T11:31:00.001-08:00

The Tadiyandamol Travelogue

It was dark. Four nights agone, Old fat Santa Claus had come and made a good escape. Thirteen members on board a Rajahamsa were making merry. Members of ‘The Secret Angel Society’ exchanged gifts. “Wow! Thanks. Great, this is” said many, gazing at the colorfully wrapped gifts. Eyes wide open, the gifts were unwrapped. A lovely smile was drawn on everyone’s face. Every pair of eyes I looked into, I saw expectation and excitement, eager to find out what they got. For some reason, I was in no mood for speech and reclined in my seat. The congregation started chewing the fat. “You know what happened yesterday?”; “Oh! My God!” ; ”B-e-a-uuutiful”; “Arrreey!”; “Why yaaa?”; “Thu! Ha ha he ho ha”… The engine chugged down the highway…

Earlier that Night

It was the fifth Saturday of the month . 30-12-2006, read the Gregorian calendar. 10:30PM read the clock hung on the wall. The assemblage at ‘The Bus stand, Majestic, Bangalore’ consisted of 14(In words: Fourteen) very fine people. Two 2-dimensional ladies, namely, Ms.Bheemarao, Ms.Tuppada; Two 3-dimensional ladies, namely, Ms.Sharma, Ms. Ananthram; And finally, one 4-dimensional lady who has high regards for the fourth dimension - Time. Ms.Shetty, she is called, in these friend circles of hers. The remaining nine very fine, affable, suave, gentlemen (14-5=9 à Complex math. I didn’t know this till I was six), without whom the trek would’ve been incomplete, included, Mr.Naduvinamani, Mr.Raju, Respected Mr.Parisarapremi, Mr/Ms.Sreedhara Swamy(Just miss), Mr.Subbu, Mr.Baregar, Mr.Vivek, Mr.Rajan and lastly, me, Mr.Ramachandra, a humble soul accepted by the society since birth, with the number of criminal records since 1984 equalling zero. Clap, clap, clap…

The 6 tyres of ‘The Rajahamsa’ rolled (A necessary motion for movement of a vehicle). One tyre remained stationary hidden from public view. For some reason, it didn’t want to hog the limelight. Since time immemorial, it had/has been called the stepney.

Being students of moral science, ‘Avoidance of unpleasant scenes’ was our primary objective. Thus, a huge gap between Ms. Ananthram and Ms.Tuppada was created for obvious reasons. The seating arrangement inside ‘The Rajahamsa’ was thus:

Mr.Driver

Mr.Conductor

Mr.Good Ms.Good Ms.Good Ms.Good

Femme fatales!!! Guys(Uninteresting)

Ms.Good looking (2 nos) Legacy systems(2 nos) …………..... ……………………

……………. ……………………

Mr.Rajan Mr.Ramachandra Mr.Raju Mr.Naduvnamani

Ms.Ananthram Mr/Ms.Just miss Ms.Tuppada Ms.Bheemarao Mr.Subbu Mr.Baregar Ms.Shetty Ms.Sharma

Mr.Premi Mr.Good Mr.Good Mr.Good Mr.Good Mr.Good

Readers with IQ > 20 would’ve noticed the absence of Mr.Vivek. Yes. Destiny had it that he board another bus, thus making way for ‘legacy systems’, as Santosh called them. The legacy systems in question were two ripe gentlemen who had outlived their time. Maybe, to be onboard a bus with thirteen ebullient people was their final wish, which was fulfilled that night. May their souls rest in peace.

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…A lovely smile was drawn on everyone’s face. Every pair of eyes I looked into, I saw expectation and excitement, eager to find out what they got. For some reason, I was in no mood for speech and reclined in my seat. The congregation started chewing the fat. “You know what happened yesterday?”; “Oh! My God!” ; ”B-e-a-uuutiful”; “Arrreey!”; “Why yaaa?”; “Thu! Ha ha he ho ha”… The engine chugged down the highway…

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It was 4:30AM. The driver took a sharp left turn and into the bus-stand he went. “Get off the bus you morons. Virajpet bantu”, said Arun. We trudged with our heavy backpacks and settled in a corner. The chilling cold sent shivers down everyone’s spine. Every speaker was smoking mist. Like swords, toothbrushes were drawn from bags; And like warriors, each person marched to the sink with the toothbrush in hand. In the meantime, ‘Vertically Challenged’ Ms. Tuppada briskly walked towards Mr. Subbu’s bag(Height of the bag: Four Feet à One whole feet taller than the Pretty lady). Ants can carry fifty times their weight is a fact and Smitha was there to prove it. A brief prayer to goddess Shakti and then the unthinkable happened. Eyes closed, A deep breath and then she flung the back onto her back, only to be thrown off balance. Clever and timely photography by Mr. Rajan helped us capture this unique feat. The above said activities took close to one hour! We then barged into a café which was still half open. After a considerable wait, hot tea/coffee and idly was served. The company then boarded a bus to go to Kakkabe. Vrrrooooooom…

The drive to Kakkabe was enjoyable in more ways than one. First of all, the teeth-crackling cold that made the body numb. Secondly, the scenic beauty. At 6:15AM, the rotund, orange sun rising in the valley was a real treat to watch. Thirdly, the driver of the bus hit the curves at 60Kmph which was extremely exciting. Fourthly, the bus had a red light which would glow each time the driver applied brakes. Thanks to a few sullied minds, this was made the target of discussion for the next half hour and Lo… We laughed and laughed and laughed. Never had we laughed so hard at 6:15 in the morning. It was the most energizing morning we had had!

We alighted the bus at Kakkabe and were destined to walk 4 Km before we could reach Mr. Thammaiah’s abode. By this time, Mr. Subbu was busy putting some pieces together. “Ah! Playing jigsaw puzzle here, huh?”, I thought. Within 5 minutes, the solution to the puzzle was before us. It was a digital camera; A cool one. All this while, he was busy adding and subtracting accessories to his camera. The lens was so huge that it literally went into the person’s face when zoomed in. Everyone was impressed with the looks. “Curiosity killed the cat”, the adage reads, but I for one, was not to be deceived by this silly saying. It was only a cat; A stupid cat. I am a MAN. Go ahead; Slap that stupid, cheap question that you always ask said the fiend inside my skull. I obliged. “Er! Yescuse me gental-maan, Ow much you are paying for that?”, I asked Mr. Subbu. “Four thousand”, he replied. Stunned, shocked, dazed I stood. All that one could get for such a meager amount would be a stupid, old box where-in they show snaps of Bollywood actors/actresses, silly dogs, old monuments shot from awkward angles… “DOLLARS $$ Dollars, Dollars”, shouted someone. That rived my head off. Four thousand dollars!? Two lakh rupees for a box that captures whatever is already in front of you! Man! The buyer must be crazy!

Before long, we were at Nalknad palace. No one from the royal family was present to welcome us. No princess; I was disappointed. I could kiss a frog which was hopping here and there, which might have transformed into a really lovely princess. But the thought of kissing a frog was sickening and I left it at that. A drunk local who was working on revamping the palace led us into a dark room where ammunition was stacked during the regal rule. Apart from this room, everything else was sealed for renovation. Some snaps were taken here and soon, we were walking again. Little streams crisscrossed the path we tread.

Mr.Thammaiah’s beaming smile greeted us all. Mr.Parisarapremi knew this gentleman well. He instantly knew what we wanted and asked us to rest awhile.

Chilled drinking water and slow poison(Coffee) was served. Mrs. Thammaiah took up the challenge of preparing food for all fourteen voracious eaters. Everyone freshened up and off we went to Mandabbe falls. Chilling water, the scenic beauty, a direct drop of 500feet, pools of water here and there made the place all the more exciting. I got into one of these pools and the water was so cold that I went completely numb! Now I understand why Leonardo De Caprio died in the movie Titanic. The temperature was so low that the body dropped dead - like a vegetable in cold storage.

Back at Mr.Thammaiah’s abode, we were all wet and dirty. Change of attire became necessary. Before I could retrieve my clothing from my bag, a few really quick people (relatives of the rabbit family) had barged into one of the rooms. I couldn’t change in public. I am no movie star. A wait of over 15 minutes proved futile. I moved away from the prying eyes of a dog and a hen which followed me for quite a distance and then gave up. I had walked over 250 meters to get to a well protected location close to a small stream. Back afresh, sumptuous food was served. Rest, rest, rest. In the meantime, Mr.Premi looked into my hand and said “You are in love with someone”. “Wow! Tell me her name. I want to meet her”, I exclaimed. Not too pleased, he prophesied that I would die a foul death in a couple of days, like a pest. I agreed.

Chaaarge! The bugle blew at 3:45PM. We have to scale that peak in under 2 hours, said Arun, pointing to the Tadiyandamol peak. “Are you mad!? Let’s go home. Give me one good reason as to why I should go up there” said a few. “Be there and you’ll know” he said . Encouraging his words were and off we went. Hup-Two-Three-Four, A-Hup-Two-Three-Four, Hup-Two-Three-Four, A-Hup-Two-Three-Four… We marched on. At 5:40PM, the peak was conquered. Mr. Rajan was into meditation mode while Mr. Raju decided to stay alone on a rock and reflect upon life. How much of R&D he would have to do! Phew! “How do I convince them at home?”; “Amma yen antaaro”(What will mom say?); “Naan kardre maneg bartaaLe”(If I call, she will definitely come”)…. Lost he was in his fantasy world and soon fell asleep on the peak.

Mr. Naduvinamani, as always, was enjoying himself laughing his heart out. “Look at the the sun. Ho ho ho ho”; “That tree. Hohohohoho” ; “Look at the leaves, stones, Hohohohoho…”. Shreyas on the other hand was getting ready for the snap of his life. Shubha and Shruthi had located a serene spot for the click. The click happened and Lo…. there it was! Mr Handsome. A masterpiece from Shubha and Shruthi. Arun, Veda, Sindhu, Smitha preferred to stay elsewhere where the ramp walk for Miss.Tadiyandamol was about to begin. Subbu with his excellent camera work captured a few good moods. Mr. Baregar by this time was silently shooting down the sun with his handycam. Enough cameras had shot the sun that day. He turned orange and before long, he was red with rage. We really didn’t care as long as he came back the next morning. We sat there looking straight as far as we could. Lost in thoughts, we all were.

The next thing we knew, a strong gust of wind sent shivers down the spine. Temperatures had nose-dived within ten minutes. That was when the excitement began…

It was dark. We had to cross a small, dense forest. The terrain was rugged. Armed with a torch, the infantry headed home. Arun lead the chain while Shreyas acted as guard at the back. The others were conveniently sandwiched in the middle. “Stay close. Don’t be slow. We have a long way to go. Just follow the person ahead at an arm’s length” said Arun, and off he jogged. The moon showed up and threw more light than needed. It was the first night trek that many of us had been on. Veda and Smitha looked very happy and commenced singing songs that I’d never heard of. Walk, walk, more walk.. THUD! DHAM!! DAMAAAR!! One of the gang members slipped and fell and the earth shook; Minor Tsunamis, Volcanoes, rubbing of earth plates happened, a few insects died and animals ran helter-skelter. The person behind the noble act? Well, I shall leave the reader guessing here. Hmmmm… Naah! Did I hear you right? Did you say Sindhu?

Back at Mr.Tham’s home, we sat under the moonlight forming a huge ring. The lord of the rings we were and one by one, each person recounted the experience of being atop the peak. Mrs. Tham had prepared delicious food which we all gobbled up under the moonlight. The feeling was great! Just imagine; Seated under moonlight with huge trees all around; No electricity; dinner served on banana leaves; A dog, a hen and its chicks and thirteen cool friends to give you company! Aaah! You must’ve been there. It was memorable!

Tham led us to a house with two rooms. Another observation that I would like to bring to the reader is Tham’s fetish with number 56. Who else would bother to construct two rooms measuring 8*7 sq. ft, in a wide, lonely area? Whatever… Tham had stacked loads and loads of firewood close to the house. “This should be enough. God forbid anyone dies, you can use this wood to smoke ‘em up. Burn it shall, like the Olympics lamp. Never shall it go off” he said and off he went to sleep. The wood was moist. “How do we burn it?” asked one. Soon, Shreyas and Santosh were on it. Like early men they made fire in 5 minutes. The weather report was not too favourable either. The temperature had dropped well below X degree centigrade.

Where,

A = The only even prime number.

B = The only prime one less than a perfect square

C = 2*B

D = Smallest no of colors sufficient to color all planar maps.

To provide a better idea about our campfire area, a picture of this place has been provided for your reference.

(The sketch has been picked up from the net and suitably modified.)

23:00, 31 Dec 2006 : One more hour and a new year it would be. The mood was somber as everyone was tired. I was pissed off for some reason and sat silently – ‘finger on (my)lip’. Arun and Srinivas entertained us with good music. Then came my turn to sing. “Aaaaa, Kaaa, Haawww, Kaaa, Kaaa” I sang like a crow and everyone stared at each other. “Oh! My God! Why did we let him sing? Look at the plants, they’re dying; Birds have started migrating. Sheeeesh!” they thought. But I wasn’t the one to be squelched by these remarks. I sang and sang and sang. Sang my heart out (Whether I have a heart at all is a contentious issue). The atmosphere was all hunky-dory when suddenly, a jeep(Playing LOUD music) arrived from nowhere. A guy stepped out of the jeep and asked us for… Hold yer breath… SALT! Now, who on earth would drive a jeep all the way up to such heights and beg for salt? CRAZY! He was shooed off.

It was 00:00. New year had arrived and suddenly, the mood was upbeat. Shubha quickly retrieved ‘Home-made chocolates’ and distributed them. The choco melted in our oral cavity, like candy. New year wishes were exchanged and we started feeling the breeze. Cold it was. After sometime sleep had got the better of girls and they all went away deserting Mr.Naduvinamani and Mr.Ramachandra at 1:30AM.

So cold was the weather that those who slept with two blankets shivered like patients with Parkinson’s. Santhosh and I (The cleverer of the lot) decided to spend the night right beside the campfire. Santosh(The cleverer of we two. This makes him the cleverest of the lot) was adept at handling campfires. He diligently calculated the amount of wood left and the number of hours we would have to stay alive. Veda who slept in the open would get up every half hour and curse Arun and everyone in the vicinity. She became the sole provider of entertainment for Santosh and me the whole night. We would wait for Veda and Sindhu to wake up, like waiting for migratory birds to be seen. And then, the slander. Usage of Sanskrit words by these two was great fun to watch. “Thu! Katte mundevu. Malgirod nodu”, “Naayi gal thara bidgondive ”, “Saaitaa idivi”… After some time, this ritual too ended as the two tucked themselves into bedsheets and there was silence again. Biting cold, no one else to talk to, we lay there shattered, at 3AM. Then, something horrible happened. Nature called me to bat on extended innings. I couldn’t miss this call (No one can. Nature call, it’s called). A friend of mine had educated me about the effects of ignorance of such long-duration calls. Over time(a long period), it could lead to death, he had said.

Not once I looked back. At 3 in the morning, in those freezing temperatures I would have to go to the not-so-scenic spot - the loo(Refer diagram above). That’s not all. I would have to carry one whole bucket of ice-cold water. I stood at the door of the rest-room. I flung the door open and went inside. A centrally placed white commode looked inviting. Topless/Roofless, the loo was. The moon smiled and I smiled back. I looked around. Hmmm… Something was very different. Hmmm… What could it be? Hmmm… “Eeks!” The loo had tarpaulin all around only up to a height of four feet. After that, it was all open. “How can I possibly go in here? ““What if someone comes this way?” “Che! Thoo! Yappaaa!” I thought. then, I remembered a saying: “When duty calls, everything else is to be forgotten”. It was my fundamental duty to be there. I took up this unique challenge that nature had put forth. I talked to myself LOUDLY. Then, I sang, LOUDLY again. I howled like the horn of a railway engine, just to keep intruders away. This signaling system worked. After 15 tense minutes, I came out successful - Unharmed; Unabashed. I went back to the fire-lit area with a sense of accomplishment.

Shruthi woke up at 4AM. So cold it was that she could sleep no more. We played dumb charades for an hour. She went back to sleep. The next one hour was spent cursing everyone who was fast asleep. Subbu and Vijay were the target of this blasphemy as they had conveniently tucked themselves inside sleeping bags. Santosh was totally psyched by now. He hadn’t slept for three nights straight.!

At half past six, that orb of fire strategically placed billions and billions of kilometers away, shone to melt the cold away. We were overjoyed. After our ablutions, we packed and headed straight for Tham’s house. “Another hour for breakfast”, announced Tham. We had nothing to do. Someone got out a tennis ball and started pitching it. Another tried to grab it. The third hit it away. The fourth fetched it…. Soon, everyone was on it. Excited to play we were. We started off with tennis(Needless to say, the team I was in won). Then it was time for some cricket and ‘Dog and the Bone’.. We played and played - laughing and shouting all the while. Ah! Great fun it was! It’s always exciting to play in a large group. More the people, more the fun.

After breakfast, we bid sayonara to Mr and Mrs. Tham. Very hospitable they had been. Simple and modest; Yet classy. We walked down the same path. On the way, Vivek and Srinivas were interviewed with specific questions thrown at them. ‘Walk the Talk’ with Vijay along with Subbu’s humorous comments were the highlight of our descent.

Back at Virajpet, Santosh would leave for Mangalore while the rest decided to go back home via Mysore. We bid adieu to Santosh and boarded the bus to Mysore. Again, Srinivas and Vivek bid us farewell at Mysore and off they went. We were eleven of us now. Buses were scarce. Shreyas being a great soul decided to stay back in Mysore so that 10 of us could reach Bangalore in a taxi. We decided to hitch a ride to Bangalore in a private taxi. In less than two hours, we were at the Majestic bus stand, Bangalore - Back to where we started. Total displacement = ZERO !

Back home at 12 midnight, completely exhausted, I lay in bed. Recounting some of the best moments atop Tadiyandamol, I closed my eyes. What a place it was! The weather; The little streams that criss-crossed the paths; The serenity; The food; The people of Kodagu; The friends I had been with… “Ah! God, give me a hundred more lives so that I can go back with those lovely friends of mine”, I begged, and before I could say “Good night, God”, he was busy instilling “The Sweetest of the dreams” in my sleep.

Radha KalyaaNa

2006-12-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

Ms.Radha was a devout lady who gave Mr.Krishna(Lord) all the love he wanted and more. Mr.Krishna and Ms.Radha never married they say. Ms.Radha to Mrs.Radha never happened. Alas, Ms.Radha could neither say, "Nam yajmaanru Mr.Krishna anta. Ee world affairs ella nodkotaare. Avara jothe ne hogidde monne, Shaanta Bai maduve ge" nor could she say "Nam yajmaanru idaarala, avara 15,678 hendti maga, Dennis anta. Avana second son John idaaanala, avanige nam Kenchammanna kottirodu".

But what if they'd(Krish and Rad) married? How grand would the celebration be? To depict that, 'Radha KalyaaNa' was organised by a really devout lot.

The celebrations began at 6PM, sharp. It opened with Master Sriram's performance. Laudable, it was. The twelve year old mesmerized the audience with his Carnatic music(vocal) talent. Gifted was the boy who maintained the aplomb of a professional singer. Time flew like an arrow. It was 8PM ! Time for some more show of talent.

Let me introduce an extraordinarily talented family. Sriram's mother, Chidroopi, is a brilliant vocalist. So is Sriram's father, Mr.Eshwar Prasad. Eshwar Prasad and his son perform Bharatnatya too. What ye fyaaamileee!

A standing ovation greeted them and they were on the dias before the roaring clap died down. Ms.Chidroopi kicked off the show with a soothing song. Slowly, it gathered momentum and in less than 10 minutes, the song was in full flow. Very expressive, the father and son pair were. Commencing with the birth of Krishna, they moved to the killing of Kamsa and then came the romance with Radha. The father-son duo signed off with 'The Dashaavataara' which received an applause longer than any I've ever heard/seen.

It was 12 midnight. Then came the most wonderful thing. A lamp was lit in the middle of the huge hall. We were about 200 devout people. We all gathered around the lamp and circled it as a Bhajan troupe chanted a shloka. Slowly, a mridangam gave out short beats. The cadence of the same was so mesmeric that unknowingly, there was tapping of the feet. Energy levels slowly went up and so did the pinking.The tempo grew in steps. In less than 10 minutes, the tempo had hit the ceiling. So had the energy levels. Two hundred people which included two octogenarians danced and made merry. For over 30 minutes it went on as everyone shook off all their worries. The dance drew a smile on everyone's face. A night to remember, it was!

Radha-KalyaaNa happens each year. One time slot will be marked in my calender for the same, come what may.

Changes to Formula 1

2006-12-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

The GOD of motorsport.
Eighty thousand components.
Zero to 100 and back to zero --> 5 seconds.
Change of 4 tyres, 90 litres fuel, wing adjustments --> 8 seconds.

Determination, Stamina, Skill and Strategy win the game. F1, it is...

But, nothing's been happening on the Formula 1(F1) front of late. I am of the opinion that the game is getting duller by the day. The viewership has come down by 2 million, they say. Here are a few tips Mr.Ecclestone, to get the adrenaline pumping.

1) Strategically/Randomly/secretly place explosives in 20% of the cars. People love watching cars go BOOM!

2) Allow Street hawkers to set up stalls on either side of the track. This would add a festive spirit to the event where-in the audience can have the pleasure of treating themselves to delicacies from all over the world(An Indian hawker, for example, might carry Bhel puri, Idli-sambar, obbattu, kadubu etc)

3) Shoot the driver who crashes out in the first 10 laps. He/She has not provided us enough entertainment.

4) Make arrangements for remote controlled braking systems. Remove/Make a driver's brakes dysfunctional when he's doing 300kmph. After this, zoom a camera into the driver's face to study his expressions.

5) When a car comes into the pit, allow the pit crew to go on a flash strike. Remove tyres and go home.

6) Discourage/Bar drivers from using helmets. Also, at irregular intervals, pop up speed brakers on the track.

7) When a driver is seen at the far end of the track, help a blind old woman cross track.

8) Create/Emulate real workd scenarios. Allow traffic in both directions.

Long live the game!

The CAT

2006-11-19T03:58:00.000-08:00

75 Questions. 150 minutes.
Correct answer: 4 Marks
Wrong answer : (-1) mark
No of people : 1.91 Lakh
Difficulty : As difficult as holding your breath to death (Hyperbolized)
Year : 2006

Another CAT gone, another year passed. "Bell the CAT", they say. I say, "Kill it".

My discourse with Harish on the night of the 18th (In words : eighteenth) of november brought out some really important points which needed immedidate attention.

1) "Instructions overleaf" section:The present instructions only list out the do's and the don't's. We think it should be more elaborate. The IIMs should justify each and every point.

For eg : One instruction reads :"Bring with you HB pencils, eraser, sharpener and a wrist watch"

We reckon, it should read something like this : "Please(It's always good to be polite) bring with you HB pencils, an eraser, sharpner and a wrist watch. To err is human. You are human. Therefore, you may err. To correct your mistakes, we offer you this unique opportunity of marking your answers using a pencil. The eraser can be used to wipe out your mistakes (Yes. We have made it possible!). In case of pencil failure(Broken lead), we allow you to use a sharpener. A wrist watch may be used to keep time".

2) We also strongly believe they should serve cool drinks, cream biscuts, pizzas and play good, soothing music to keep down the tension levels of candidates.

3) They should come out with a question bank with 352 questions . Important questions should be marked with double stars, like, **.

4) Adverting to point 2, if the same cannot be implemented, Candidates should be allowed to sit next to friends and take up tests from home. This would allow for huge savings for the IIMs too. A win-win situation.

5) Candidates need more choices. They must be allowed to answer any 10 questions out of, say, 200 questions. However, the number of answer choices must be limited to two.

If the above are implemented, I am sure that the IIMs will go a long way in admitting better and more intelligent students like me. Else, God save the IIMs.

A Tribute

2006-11-19T03:50:00.000-08:00

Sing Ale LOOooooya

2006-11-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

The Britons call it 'Room number 100'. We called it toilet/taailet, when we were kids. Then came a slightly refined word, 'The loo'. Today, thanks to that fine coat of professionalism, we say, "Welcome to the world of washrooms/restrooms".

I frequent washrooms. I can't tell you why, but I do. I get to listen to some really hilarious lines in there. Here are some of the things I would refrain from asking, when in a washroom:

1) "Oh! Yenappa illi!?"

2) "Oota aita?"

3) "So...?" ("What 'so...?', you fatso". Who scheduled my meeting with you at this place?)

4) Knock, knock. "Hari, tu andar hai kya?"

5) "Thu! Illu queue na?"

One really nasty question when a guy is about to leave the restroom...

6) "Aaita?" (sounds like the person is a rogue who leaves all work half done!)

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"Home is where the theatre is"... "Loo is where the idea is"...
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Weekly team meetings

2006-11-10T10:38:00.001-08:00

Day : Thursday
Time : 3 PM - 4 PM
Outlook reminder : Team meeting - 5 minutes remaining. Location : Nilgiris(Conf hall)

......... Loading team members ...............

"HA HA HA!! Look at you. You have resolved just 1 bug this week."
"Arey! That was a Microsoft issue. Tough one!"
HA HA AH!!!

Manager - Cough, cough. Clears throat (Ggaining attention...)

"So, to start off, I have a few points to make. Richard is really serious about meeting deadlines for the #### project. He says that all the Sev 1 and Sev 2 bugs have to be resolved before November 15th and the product launch is slated for 22-Nov 2006 -- The 'D' Day. We will have to prepare a user document too. So, let's do it and slap the document on their face! "

"Blah... Blah... Blah..."

End of meeting.

"Team meetings are useless".
"It's only for the manager to keep upto date with the happenings. All bullshit!"
"We are wasting our time here. Useless meetings".
"Simply we can sit and work. What's the whole point? I'm sleepy. Come, let's go have coffee"

The above are some of the comments I get to listen soon after a team meeting.

I think team meetings are cool. We get to meet and talk about what's happening with the team once in a week, that too, for one hour (Agreed. Sometimes two). The best feature of a team meeting is exchange of ideas. It generally so happens, one person is working on resolving a bug for over 2 days and he/she's hit a dead end. Such things are discussed in meetings so that some other ignited mind comes up with a solution. This is one thing I like about team meetings.

The second of course, is the log maintained by the manager about the team's current status and it's progress. This is really important for a team to head in the right direction.

Thirdly, issues that need escalation can be raised. For eg : "My system needs a new software to be installed. The IT admins are not co-operative enough. I raised a ticket but still nothing happened." Such issues are directly taken up by the manager and he/she can make furthur escalations".

Team meetings also mean fun, each one trying to pull the other's leg. Not even the manager is spared. Last week, the issue about 'bad food' being served was taken up. The meeting went thus:

Member 1 : "The food that they provide is shitty. Not even a dog can eat that food"

Manager : "Well, I do"

Member 2 : "For the amount we pay, this should not be the quality of food. Tell me Mr. Manager, do you like the food?"

Manager(Northie) : "Not that I like it. I thought this was how South Indian food was prepared. He he..."

Member 1 : "Oh! We thought North Indian food was being served. He he..."

Manager : "Frankly speaking, I don't like the food. I hated that 'gun powder' that they had sprinkled on pulao today. Anyhow, I shall take up this matter with @@@"

Manager : "Anythig else?"

Silence...

Manager : "So, that's it guys. Thanks for joining the party!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Team meetings are not a waste of time. Take a closer look. There's so much to learn, starting from the way the manager conducts the meeting . It's the most productive hour of the week.

Bottoms up.... up and away

2006-10-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Foster's, Mc.Donalds, Smirnoff, Kingfisher, Tequila shot, 'Three fourth vodka, one fourth lime'...
+
Ten years
=
Go hang yourself. It's quick and easy.

Cost of liquor for 10 years :

Lemma 1 : Cost of one bottle of hard drink remains constant for the next 10 years(Irrespective of inflation, that is).

Lemma 2 : 2 bottles per week.

Cost per bottle : Rs. 120
After 10 years(That is, 10 years prior to death) :
Rs.1,24,800(In words : One lakh twenty four thousand eight hundred only).

Now let's get to the other side of the equation:

Cost of acquiring ropes : Rs. 100
Cost of 'nothing else' : Rs.2
Total cost : Rs.102.

Yes. The second one is cheaper, better and works faster.

I have a feeling that non teetotalers are DUMB.
There are two types of drinkers :

1) Tyro : One who drinks because he is with a group of drunkards.
2) Expert : Who forces a tyro saying "Child thara adbeda. C'mon, have a sip".

Both must be shot in the hair. The former for being stupid and fickle minded and the latter... you know why.

I really feel sorry when a person takes his/her first sip just because of the continuous taunting/ridiculing/mocking by the hoi-polloi. I stand witness to 3 such victims. Next time they are among one such group, they don't think twice. Once done is done, they say. Result : Bottoms up. When someone does this to me, "Know thy limits", I say to myself. It works.

Why did I have to post this? Hmmm... Well, last week I had been to a resort from my company $$$. I was walking down a corridor when I saw a very cute child(about 8 years young) sitting opposite a restroom/washroom all alone, staring at something. "Hello, Gooooood morning", I wished her. There was no response. Ah! One more taciturn child, I thought. She had fixed her eye on something to her right . I followed her gaze to find a mug of beer convinently placed next to her on the other side. I was struck with shock. The mug was half full and the girl was left there to look after the smelling substance. I mean, an 8 year child next to a beer mug!? What the.... What is this world coming to? Some demented, weirdo father it must be, I thought.

Two minutes later, the head of my department at $$$ walked out smiling :( Now whenever I see him, I am reminded of the poor little innocent girl. Shame on such people.

If you are one of those types who drinks just for kicks, give it up or get into a rehab. Else, spend Rs.102.

All I need is...

2006-10-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

I will soon be a great human. Somewhere close to God. All I need is to be...

1) as practical as my father
2) to have 'worldly knowledge' like by brother
3) as sensible as my sister
4) as patient and calm as my mother
5) As caring as my grandmothers
6) As helpful as my grandfathers
7) as humble as Arun
8) As bold as Sindhu
9) As versatile as Srinivas
10) As erudite as Arvind
11) As witty as Arjun
12) As cognizant as Harish
13) As Geeky as Shubha
14) As straight-forward as Shruthi Srinivas
15) As innocent/smiling as Smitha
16) As bindaas as Santosh
17) As chilled as Veda
18) As distinctive and stylish as Shreyas
19) As expressive/smiling as Shilpa
20) As daring as Shruthi Sharma
21) As easy-going as KD
22) As lively as Aneesh
23) As extroverted as Sandeep
...................
Hmmm... Unlike the present day Swaroop.
It will happen. All I need is time...

Time is my enemy. I shall beat it to death.

-------------------------------------------------------

The Google Scam

2006-09-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

I wanted to be really, really nice to Google and I pasted the below epistle in the Google search bar.

(Date : 28-09-2006)
Bangalore

Respected Google,

Sub : Requisition for search

Thank you for taking time off to go through this request. I hope this request finds you in the pink of health and care. You have been very kind on previous counts searching and returning accurate results. You have made it your hobby, I reckon. Nice.

Adverting to my request dated 24-sept-1997(You know I've been working on this new product, don't you?), I am stuck in build 34F-43fd-fdfa3 (Some more random digits and alphabets)-af343.build. I get an error during compilation which reads:

"Error! Bad Programmer. Go home. "

I couldn't figure out what this meant and have come to you for help. I request you to skim through the as many websites as possible and return useful/relevant results. Please treat this as urgent. I stand deeply indebted to you for all your help.

Awaiting your reply at the earliest.

Regards,
Swaroop

And this was what I got.

Hmmm... Google doesn't like people being nice to it. It loves imperative sentences. For example:

'You bloody fool, I order you to search for Osama Bin Laden'
returned over 200 hits!

Finding Osama was never so simple.

Google began as a research project in Stanford University in 1996, or so say Larry Page and Sergery Brin. This blog's raison 'detre is to reveal the truth and I shall do just that. Google, I think, and this is the truth(Because, whatever I think is true and you better not argue, you shmuck), started off because Larry Page and Sergery Brin had to work on a project as a part their final semester curriculum. They forwarded their resumes to three companies, namely,

1) 'Bhairavi computers' -- Computers for tomorrow

2) 'Prabhavati Software solutions' -- Solutions for the real world.

3) 'Adi Chunchungiri Bhagavad Mahaapeetha Jayachaamaraaja Laxhmi Venkateshwara Mahaasabha IT solutions' -- Tough solutions for easy problems.

They failed to secure a project. Dejected, they were. Suicide, they wanted to commit. Ropes, they had. A fan, they saw. On a stool, they stood. Then, Larry said, "Hey, how about flicking a project". Brin drew a wicked smile over his lips and off they zoomed at 2Kmph.

Back home, they skimmed through a thousand project reports. Not a single word they could understand. Finally, they decided to write a small search engine which could help them search for an easy-to-understand project. After 108 days of continuous search using their new engine, they found an easy-to-understand project titled : 'The art of printing your name using printf()'. This easy-to-understand project fetched them a Ph.D. However, people began to use their 'small search engine' to pick up 'easy projects' and 'project reports'. News about the engine spread like wild fire, and soon, Google was born (I can testify in court that the above story is true to the best of my knowledge).

Googlers are the guys I envy most. They get paid for nothing at all! Just think about it, all they have to do is Google for new ideas. After they find one, they Google for the code. Then, they Google for the test cases and testing tools. Thus, All Googlers Google for Google(If you cant understand this statement, your IQ is less than (21). In other words, less than mine).

Google is rated as the no.1 innovator for the year 2006! The pay cheques are fat and cool. A single monthly pay cheque at Google could be used by Lord Venkateshwara to clear off his huge loan with Kubera. Supposedly, Larry Page draws a salary of $1 per month! You can find more interesting stuff about Google, here.

People/Things that piss me off

2006-09-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

This being my first post, I reckon it is important for you to know about the things that piss me off. If you associate yourself with any of the below, I strongly believe you should try this.

Major turnoffs :

1) Dogs chasing speeding cars.

This usually happens during nights. This 'nautanki' of dogs is only on city roads. Hit the Formula 1 tracks you moronic hounds.

2) The 'shhhh...' sound that parents make while their offsprings are busy in washrooms.

Yes. You and I have gone through this.

3) Emran Hashmi.

I do not want to speak about this guy. If I were to be the director, I would've made him the villan and killed him in Take 1 - Scene 1. Go look at yourself in the mirror, you chicken. You're not even road worthy, let alone a camera.

4) The irregular/random arrangement of letters on the keyboard.

Christopher Sholes , the man behind the QWERTY keyboard.
He has a soft corner towards the letters G-H, K-L, O-P(He has put these together). I vow to unravel the conspiracy.

5) Tubelight like smile(You know, those people with really white teeth)

Yes. It gives me a complex.

6) Silent air conditioners. They dont make their presence felt. How unsocial.

Just imagine : You are feeling pretty warm inside your home. The temperature reads 25 degrees. You dont know whether your AC is switched on or not. Worse, you dont realise that you have an AC because it makes no noise. Chuck these. Atleast fans give you that 'Wooosh' sound.

7) Square-shape compact discs

I will stop using computers if any such thing is released into the market.

8) Slow moving turtles.

Turtles are really, really useless. You cant blow 'em up. You cant fire them. They can't run, they can't fly.

9) 4 lines(unnecessary) of electric wires runing over my home.

Well, what can I say? Yes, you agree with me right? One is enough. Ok. Let's try 2(A spare one). I don't get the logic behind 4 of these. And, they run some shock inducing stuff inside these wires so that no one takes away the other two. Clever.

10) The small fan that sits on my CPU which keeps the ants and spiders inside the metal-box happy.
This is unnecessary unless you want to breed ants and spiders inside your Cabinet. Elsewhere, people die due to excess heat. And here, they have fans for ants! Zamaana bigadgaya hai bhaai!

11) Bicycle thieves.
These are bad guys. I don't fancy telling you about them. They are bad.

12) Low disk space.
I have a 24 GB hard-disk. I get this message now and then. There were days when computers worked with 1 MB hard disk space. Today's computers are a pampered lot. I hate this avarice.

13) The danger sign

Scary.

14) Editor of a daily who keeps a column to himself.
Editors of dailies are the most irritating lot. They reckon they are the best writers and keep a column to themselves. And all they write is this ->

15) Silent doorbells

Doorbells of this size would be suitable for quiet homes. I don't fancy these.

16) Ringing doorbells.

Yes. I hate doorbells.

17) The letter 'Q'. It's queer, I know.

'Q' should be removed from the set of English alphabets. We can move it to, say, Hebrew.

18) F8. I haven't used that key till date(Hmmm... Twice, I think)
Still... Useless

19) Distance between the Sun and the moon

Yes. I think the distance between the Sun and the moon is a tad too much. I am happy with the distance between the earth and the Sun though.

20) Cocunuts descending at 9.8 metres/second from a cocunut tree.

21) Elephants that go Bungee jumping.

22) People who write reams of 'Things that piss me off' stuff.

23) You

Yes. ' You ' read it right, Idiot.

24) One final thing that pisses us all... The loo

Still scrolling down? ' You ' figured up there at no 23. Go away!